Don't Make Me Slap You

I got some pretty nifty christmas gifts, i'll have to post some pictures at a later date.

But i'm wondering, how high do you think my fever would have to be for my head to actually catch fire? Cause I'm hoping I can break my 104.3 and get something way cool. 

Yay for sickness. 

I've been watching House M.D. a lot lately too. I've decided to switch professions and become a diagnostician. :) 

On life, former love and finding myself.

I write a lot of crap on here, I write a lot of crap everywhere, but this is something that has just struck me and is quite painful. I suggest not going further if you're tired of "Chrissy's dysfunctional Love-life saga". But I must say that this will not be like anything i've said before. 


On damage: It wasn't very long ago that I learned to love, to like and be happy with myself. It wasn't too long ago that I realized who I was and how to achieve goals. It also wasn't long ago that I was unsure of everything. I've never been quite right, I think anyone who knows me can and will attest to this. I don't mean off in the loony sense, okay maybe a little, but I used to be stubborn, a lot more eccentric, not in the silly teen way that is just meant to defy every and anything possible, but in a good way, I think. I marched to my own beat, I'd say. Maybe I'm giving myself a little too much credit, feel free to add personal input. I'm still stubborn, not in a good way, a little eccentric but not in the same way. I've never been "shy", afraid on occasion, but never shy. One thing that remains true about me though is my inability to remain a part of a group. By group I mean a large group or a "group" with one other person. Makes no sense now, but it will later. I'd like to think I'm not a selfish person, or I wasn't prior to the past year, I'm fairly kind although intimidating sometimes and I love very easily, too easily. Yet I find that I cannot stick with a group. Maybe it's because of my childhood, I remember when I was six my psychiatrist told my mom that I'd probably have, for lack of a better word (my words), sucky relationships. It wasn't until two hours ago, driving in my car that when she said relationships, she meant all relationships across the board, not romantic ones. Or maybe it's because it's just who I am and I'm not all the things I think I am or was. Or maybe it's human nature? Maybe it's because I held a grudge from elementary school till this very moment that I'm mentally not letting myself truly become part of a group. I don't know. I'm not looking for a real answer, just thinking out loud and seeking input from whoever wants to give it. To elaborate on this group sticking thing is a lengthy process, so I know most won't get this far, but if you do, I applaud you for listening to me rabble. Anyway..the elaboration...I was born an only child (duh) and I was technically an only child until I was 11. I still am, in all reality. (I do have a younger brother) I grew up with a few kids in my neighborhood, made some nice friendships, but they didn't last much into middle school. That I know is my own choice, I was smart enough to know what happened to those "friends" once they got into middle school. It wasn't my cup'o'tea. No biggie. Though I didn't go to school with any of those kids, I never formed relationships in my school. Maybe it was because I was so different, my family problems affected my ability to really be with people. But I never made that one friend, maybe that "one" friend doesn't exist, I really don't know. I had friends but not like I imagine I should have had. (I use imagine loosely) I admit to this day that I still hold a grudge against all of those kids who tormented me endlessly and hurt me with words and hands. I really did my own thing in middle school, I wasn't into pretty much anything anyone else was, I liked to read, I liked to do "art", I liked pretty much everything that didn't involve people in my class. When you're a child, your friendships are limited to school and home, my home was not an option for friendships, my school was but they didn't care for me and I didn't much care for them. I was okay with that throughout early middle school. Toward the end of middle school, I made a few "close" friends, but two years into high school and we were no longer close and prior to the distance, we weren't "good" friends. I made friends in early high school too. It was a huge adjustment period for me, as is for most, except that there were about ten times the people in my entire Elementary and Middle school. I socialize easily, don't get me wrong, I don't aim to please in such a way I jeopardize myself, but I can easily "fit" in temporarily. I started talking and hanging out with a few people, but as the first year progressed, their friendships with others did, as did mine. Sophomore year, I thought I found my best friends, and I guess I did find a few, but we're not as close anymore. Junior year I had two, Sara and Nicole, Emily and that whole group (and Rachel for a little while) but stupid drama got its greedy little hands on our friendship(s) and broke it apart. Senior year I made more friends, I completely changed, I know it. Junior year I wasn't as confident, I was a lot different, but I was a better person overall that year than ever before. My senior year was exciting, I really branched out and I think the summer prior to that is where the change in my life, the one that I am happiest about, took place. I became a better person, not completely different but certainly a better one. I found a passion for something I could actually do, people actually admired my skill and well..my admiration. People wanted me specifically. I'd looked for so long to find something that was my own, something that I wasn't just a participant in, a face or a number. It was me, it was mine. I think most can guess what I'm alluding to, it was theater. Though the same excitement and butterflies build in me right now when I think about theater, all aspects of it, it's not really my path right now. But my point is that I'd found it. It was my "group", the people were my group and I was completely and hopelessly in love with it. That's the best way I can explain the true passion I had (and still have). I bonded with people there, I had many groups and it was wonderful. 
So what damage is there? I guess that was more of a revelation, but here is the damage: though the choice not to pursue my career in theater was my choice and I am quite happy with what I am doing now, I'm floating without a group again. With theater I also made that friend that "one". Please don't take this the wrong way, I mean "one" as in the friend who is your friend everyday, the friend who you hang out with. You know how there are two or three people whose names never get mentioned without the other? I had that for a few years. We had our "fights" but we never weren't friends. Now we're not and it's not by my own choice but ..it's just not. And one thing that rings more true now than the moment it was said is that my friends change from week to week. I don't remember who said it, I remember they were a good friend, they were angry and upset with me. And they didn't mean it like those people who constantly have a new "best friend" everyday. They truly and honestly meant it. Maybe I just don't belong, it's sad and it sucks but at the same time it's refreshing and okay. It's hard to explain. I don't want to be friends with people just to have something to do, I like sitting in my house or who evers house watching tv and saying "i'm bored" and never thinking of anything to do. I honestly do. Now I guess I got off track again with the damage. 

The damage is this: upon my entry into college, I still had much of the same outlook I did the two years prior. I felt good about myself, my life, my relationships. I struggled for a very long time with my perception of my self physically and I was finally happy. I don't know how to explain the truthfulness in that statement. I felt attractive. I felt attractive, I never said that before about myself. I never fancied myself a supermodel or anything, or stunning for that matter, but I was content. If I wasn't liked for my nose bump, so be it. Yet now I find myself hating, literally hating these girls that I see because they are pretty. Yes, it's jealousy, it's hatred and it's sadness. I lost all that in mid October 2006. Odd way to pinpoint it, but I know exactly why, how and when. I know the exact moment that it happened. Without going into detail, I've finally realized the extent that my relationship with Matt has damaged me and it sucks. Sucks isn't even the word but I can't figure out how to say it. The first person that I ever fell for, the only person that I found completely attractive in every aspect, the only person that would and will be my first love broke what I'd finally achieved after 16 years. I'm not playing a blame game but I just realized that it truly was an abusive relationship, not outright physical abuse, a hand was never laid on me, but at the same time the emotional torture, yes it is and was torture made me ill. And that is physical. The emotions though, I will never feel the same about anything again. About life, myself, people, the ground the sky, nothing. nothing will ever be the same for the rest of my life I struggle with this every day. But the damage is that I went so long without realizing that the reason I have lost everything is because I changed for him. I became silent and didn't stand up for myself. I let words batter me to the point that I was throwing up constantly. In all honesty, I'd rather have the life beaten out of me than ever feel the way I did before. I failed numerous classes because I couldn't get my head around things. And the part that has truly struck me today is that my physical confidence, my confidence in my appearance changed because of this one moment I keep replaying in my head. He and I were walking in the mall and he completely turned around and checked this girl out and said "Ewe what is she doing with that guy. I bet I could get her number." I laughed but now I realize that it was that very moment that did me in. Whenever I think about a guy I like now, one who is up to my attraction standards, I get sick because I truly and honestly believe that no one can possibly be attracted to me when for every single "me" there are ten thousand other "hers" that are better in every way possible. I know not all guys are blatantly like him, but at the same time I can't help but believe that they are. I'm sorry to any guy reading this but I'm struggling with my own mind currently. I also know that they aren't but I can't wrap my mind around this. I want to, I want to believe things but I can't because my trust has been broken in ways that are really hard to fix. 


As far as confusion goes: I don't want to be with him any longer, I really don't. I've never truly been a vindictive person, yes I've gotten "revenge" on occasion and I've made apologies to the people who've suffered from it, but I've never truly gotten revenge on someone. Yet I find myself wanting to batter him emotionally, physically and any way possible. I do still love him and unfortunately will for the rest of my life because he was my first true love. I don't ever want to be in a relationship with him, or someone remotely like him for the rest of my life no matter how desperate I may be. Yet I can't let him go completely and I know why. I don't want him to be with anyone else simply because I truly and wholly believe he does not deserve to be treated with any love, kindness, respect or anything positive. He hurt me, he hurt Bailey and he hurt Megan. He played Bailey and I both so much that we wanted to destroy each others lives, all over his game. His lies, him. He has never felt the pain that she or I have, or probably anyone reading this because he simply does not care unless whatever happens causes him to lose out on something or not get what he wants. The only time I've ever seen him show an ounce of emotion similar to what I have felt is when Bailey finally threw him out of her life. He was crying over a girl when he was with me. The same girl he cheated on me with physically and emotionally. I was stupid. 
But after all that, he never had anything taken away, nothing in his life changed to the point that he felt the way I have. He lost nothing but a former lover, a good fuck buddy (no offense to you, Bailey) and someone to serve him their love on a silver platter and receive nothing in return. I've literally waited on him hand and foot. I've done anything and everything in my physical power for him and have received nothing but negativity in return yet he gets to go on with his life, dating and being happy. He's going to ask this girl out and she's going to be with him and they're going to be happy, he'll probably treat her like a princess, they way he never did for me. And I'll still be broken . He simply doesn't deserve to ever have happiness in his life and I truly and honestly feel that way. Again, I don't want to be with him, and I want to have him out of my life but I feel like I can't make the first move because then it's on me. I'm the one who has chosen it, I'm the bad guy. Does that make any sense? It does in my head. 

There are memories from our relationship that play on repeat in my head like a bad song. 

The first time I confronted him about all the lying about Bailey he was truly and honestly sorry it seemed, he chased me, he cried, he bent his steering wheel, he begged me to stay. I did. 

The first time I confronted him about he and Bailey kissing he got mad at me. He told me that he didn't know if this was right, if we were right ebcause I don't trust him and I looked through his instant messages, he said he'd talk to me later because he was so angry I'd do that. 


The first time I confronted him after the second time I'd found out they'd had sex. He got so angry at me that I thought he'd kill me. It was all my fault and like many a time before I cried and apologized and did everything in my power to have him forgive me. 

Everytime I confronted him about a lie he got angry at me, it was my fault and I gave in. 

When we started dating again in April he asked me moments after asking me to be his girlfriend if I was okay with he and Heather being friends, I said I guess so because I thought he was truly and honestly different. I wasn't okay with it but at the same time I had no objection if he was going to be completely forthcoming. He wasn't, I had a problem, he told me he was going to be friends with her and it was my cross to bear. And I did so with no negativity until the lies got worse, until she told me to kill myself and harrassed me like a 12 year old who took your pencil in middle school. After awhile he stopped talking to her, great. Summer was awesome we were so great and we worked so well and things changed again and they got really bad. They're really bad now. 

He had sex with Heather and denied it thousands of times until I went straight to the source itself. I seem to have this good way of getting "in" with his exes, he should realize this at some point in his life. They did. They did while he and I were dating. 

And the worst part is that I gave him my virginity in every aspect. Other than kiss, he was my first everything. I feel stupid and dirty, I feel like my true and honest innocence has been stripped away and it has. Innocence doesn't mean what you think it does when you're talking strict terms of having sex, it's not just the sex. 

And on that note i'm going to end because I really don't know what else to say without blabbing on for another 8 pages.

Food 12/07

2 Dark Chocolate Chunk Cookie (Samantha's, gluten free. Best cookie, gluten or otherwise I've tasted in a while. :) ) 

1 Salad, Whole Foods spring mix, Gluten Free Balsamic Vinaegarette, cucumber, red pepper. 

3 Gatorades

1 bottle of water

2 Rice Cakes (Chocolate) 

A few helpings of fresh broccoli, little bit of ranch, carrots. 

Handful of Cassava Chips (Sea Salt Mist, Gluten free)

2 Glasses (full) Skim milk 

1 Sandwhich, Rice Bread, little mayo, pepper turkey (whole foods), american cheese (gluten free, whole foods)